In this post, I will be covering 3 simple steps I apply whenever I want to get a co-worker to change an upsetting behavior without upsetting them.
The stress of confronting someone over an issue that is bothering you can be tough to deal with, especially when it comes to people you have to work with.
I used to get stressed out because I was afraid the person I was confronting would feel insulted or embarrassed. At the same time, I really wanted to resolve the issues that were becoming serious problems for me.
Eventually I learned a strategy that for the most part has helped me avoid the occurrence of bruised egos.
Let’s Get Started
The number one thing you don’t want to do is play the blame game. Telling a colleague directly that THEY are doing something that is upsetting YOU is a sure fire way to rattle any relationship, not just office ones.
Whenever you are trying to raise an issue, be sure to keep the focus on the issue and not on them.
For example, after taking a leave of absence from the office for a short time, I come back to find that a procedure I had created for quality control was being bypassed.
While I was gone, a colleague had decided that skipping the procedure was ‘faster’ and this was starting to cause quality problems with end products.
Realizing what had happened I quickly confronted the colleague that was responsible.
Step 1 : Redirect Attention Away from the Accused
The first thing I did was apologize for what happened, saying that I felt I was at fault for not properly explaining the procedure before I left.
By placing the blame on myself, attention is taken away from my co-worker and placed on me.
This might be difficult for some people as it can be less than satisfying to blame yourself when you feel deep within your soul that someone else is at fault.
The key here is to redirect their attention away from them so it doesn’t sound like you are finger pointing.
Putting blame on yourself is one way to do it, however it is not the only way, and it should only be done if there is a measure of truth in the blame.
For instance, it’ll be difficult to blame yourself in regards to a colleagues body odor… unless you distinctively told them they couldn’t shower, use antiperspirant or wash their clothes if they wanted to work with you.
Step 2 : Maintain Focus on the Problem
Next, instead of blaming my colleague for what happened, I kept the focus on the problem and explained how it was affecting me and why I needed to resolve it.
You may want to avoid sentences like the following from appearing in conversations:
- “The problem you caused”
- “I think you need to..”
- “It is your fault this happened”
…and instead use sentences like
- “It’s my responsibility to ensure quality control is maintained and right now production is busting my chops for not maintaining it properly “
- “I’m having some trouble resolving an issue with quality control”
- “Right now I’m having an issue with [Problem] and I’m having trouble getting things back on track”
If in doubt, try to keep the word you out of the conversation as much as possible until you reach the next step.
As soon as they start feeling like you are trying to put blame on them, they will get defensive, you will get nowhere and the damage is done.
Step 3 : Ask For Their Help To Resolve The Issue
After I had done that, I then stated how I felt he could best help me resolve the issue.
Once they feel confident that they are not going to get in trouble for what they did, co-workers who cause problems are usually more than happy to help you resolve the issue.
Nobody likes having their mistakes or flaws brought into the light directly so be sensitive and take care of your co-workers egos as you would take care of your own.
In the end, the issue was resolved and no egos were hurt in the process.
Summary
To quickly summarize, the process of confronting a co-worker without burning bridges can be broken into 3 steps:
- Redirect attention away from the person
- Keep the focus on the problem
- Ask for their help to resolve it
Take Action
Is their anyone in your life that you would like to confront regarding an issue that has been bothering you?
For the next week, try to apply the above 3 steps in a simple situation like asking your kid to clean up their room or asking a house mate to clean up the kitchen after they use it.
Get some practice first with people who you wouldn’t mind offending and then move on to office colleagues.
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Yasuo Long believes that all employees should have the right to design their lifestyle according to their needs in order to maintain their health, their relationships and their happiness. In pursuit of this, he quit the 9-to-5 and became a telecommuter to give himself the time and mental freedom to discover what it really means to live with direction and purpose.
