In this post, I will be covering 3 simple steps I apply whenever I want to get a co-worker to change an upsetting behavior without upsetting them.

The stress of confronting someone over an issue that is bothering you can be tough to deal with, especially when it comes to people you have to work with.

I used to get stressed out because I was afraid the person I was confronting would feel insulted or embarrassed. At the same time, I really wanted to resolve the issues that were becoming serious problems for me.

Eventually I learned a strategy that for the most part has helped me avoid the occurrence of bruised egos.

Let’s Get Started

The number one thing you don’t want to do is play the blame game. Telling a colleague directly that THEY are doing something that is upsetting YOU is a sure fire way to rattle any relationship, not just office ones.

Whenever you are trying to raise an issue, be sure to keep the focus on the issue and not on them.

For example, after taking a leave of absence from the office for a short time, I come back to find that a procedure I had created for quality control was being bypassed.

While I was gone, a colleague had decided that skipping the procedure was ‘faster’ and this was starting to cause quality problems with end products.

Realizing what had happened I quickly confronted the colleague that was responsible.

Step 1 : Redirect Attention Away from the Accused

The first thing I did was apologize for what happened, saying that I felt I was at fault for not properly explaining the procedure before I left.

By placing the blame on myself, attention is taken away from my co-worker and placed on me.

This might be difficult for some people as it can be less than satisfying to blame yourself when you feel deep within your soul that someone else is at fault.

The key here is to redirect their attention away from them so it doesn’t sound like you are finger pointing.

Putting blame on yourself is one way to do it, however it is not the only way, and it should only be done if there is a measure of truth in the blame.

For instance, it’ll be difficult to blame yourself in regards to a colleagues body odor… unless you distinctively told them they couldn’t shower, use antiperspirant  or wash their clothes if they wanted to work with you.

Step 2 : Maintain Focus on the Problem

Next, instead of blaming my colleague for what happened, I kept the focus on the problem and explained how it was affecting me and why I needed to resolve it.

You may want to avoid sentences like the following from appearing in conversations:

• “The problem you caused”
• “I think you need to..”
• “It is your fault this happened”

…and instead use sentences like

• “It’s my responsibility to ensure quality control is maintained and right now production is busting my chops for not maintaining it properly “
• “I’m having some trouble resolving an issue with quality control”
• “Right now I’m having an issue with [Problem] and I’m having trouble getting things back on track”

If in doubt, try to keep the word you out of the conversation as much as possible until you reach the next step.

As soon as they start feeling like you are trying to put blame on them, they will get defensive, you will get nowhere and the damage is done.

Step 3 : Ask For Their Help To Resolve The Issue

After I had done that, I then stated how I felt he could best help me resolve the issue.

Once they feel confident that they are not going to get in trouble for what they did, co-workers who cause problems are usually more than happy to help you resolve the  issue.

Nobody likes having their mistakes or flaws brought into the light directly so be sensitive and take care of your co-workers egos as you would take care of your own.

In the end, the issue was resolved and no egos were hurt in the process.

Summary

To quickly summarize, the process of confronting a co-worker without burning bridges can be broken into 3 steps:

1. Redirect attention away from the person
2. Keep the focus on the problem
3. Ask for their help to resolve it

Take Action

Is their anyone in your life that you would like to confront regarding an issue that has been bothering you?

For the next week, try to apply the above 3 steps in a simple situation like asking your kid to clean up their room or asking a house mate to clean up the kitchen after they use it.

Get some practice first with people who you wouldn’t mind offending and then move on to office colleagues.

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Why you need to do this

If you don’t stop people from dumping their work on you, you will never be able to be in full control of your work schedule. If you aren’t in control of your work schedule, you will not be able to streamline your work and enjoy free time once you are outside of the office

Common Fears

“I’m worried that if I don’t help, people will think that I am not a team player”

There is a difference between assisting an honest colleague who needs help and having work mercilessly dumped on you by a lazy collegue or boss. Ever watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? You don’t want to be Harold while your collegues head off for a weekend of fun filled adventures in Vegas. Bite the bullet and learn how to say no. Colleagues who have no respect for your time are not important, so don’t treat them like they are.

“I can’t say no, he/she is my boss”

Do not get confused between work that is given to you by your boss and work that should be done by  your boss and is given to you. If it is your responsibility, then do it. If they offer to clear your schedule so you can work on their work, try telling them that what you are doing cannot wait and that you will get back to them if you have time. If they want you to work overtime to do their work, flat out say no.

If they ask why, just say it is a personal matter and you would rather not discuss it. If they get mad, insist you are sorry and that you would like to help, but you simply cannot. Whatever you do, do not fold. Given enough time, your boss will probably drift to someone else in the office and leave you alone because they feel dealing with you is too much of a hassle.

“I’m worried they will get angry if I say no”

This is a possible outcome, but so what? So what if they get angry? Angry collegues who don’t get what they want are like kids throwing a tantrum. If you give in, they just get worst over time. If you ignore it, they usually will either stop or turn to someone who is more responsive. Act grown up, give a logical reason as to why you’re saying no, then ignore the tantrum.

“I’m worried I will develop a bad relationship with my boss”

A reasonable boss will understand and accept your reason for saying no. An unreasonable boss who doesn’t is not the kind of person who you want to suck up to. Would you crawl on the floor and kiss your bosses shoes because they threatened to hurt your family by taking away your job on a whim? Have some self respect and don’t give face to bosses who do not value you ahead of themselves.

Do not worry if you feel like this is risking your chances at getting a work from home agreement. We will teach you how to increase your value so that you become untouchable to the words “you’re fired”.

Take Action

For the next week, attempt to say no to all requests made to you by collegues. The purpose of this is to help you get comfortable with saying no. If they ask why you can’t just say you are flat out and simply cannot, this is usually enough.

After a week, come back to the post and comment on your experience, good or bad.  Help others have the courage to say no and to learn from your experience

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